One of the most traumatic things for me switching from Catholic school into public school (besides figuring out something new to wear EVERY DAY – when you are chunky, uniforms are actually easier) was when my mother dumped me into a local CCD class. For those of you who are lucky enough not to know what this means, CCD is the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine or Catholic Religious education. Good times. I wrote about another strange life lesson I learned during CCD in Water & The Frog Sex Analogy.
At one point, I’m not sure exactly when or how I even got there, my CCD group – boys and girls – spent two days in the woods on some sort of retreat. We stayed in cabins, there was a huge dating 90210-like drama that I wasn’t privy to but overheard a lot of, and I dreaded meals because I didn’t have anyone to sit with. We did team building activities, like standing on these two long wooden planks and having to walk them, as a team, across a muddy field.
I never really got the point of it all. Although, it did make me wonder how the Apostles might have benefited from such a retreat. Would Thomas have ‘Doubted’ as much if he’d gotten the chance to fall backward into a trust circle and been caught by his fellow Fishers of Men? Would Judas have sold Jesus out if he’d had the confidence in himself one gains after plunging down a Zip-line? Who can say?
However, there is one activity I will never forget. We all stood in the middle of the woods and a thin rope (or wire?) was suspended between two trees at about chest level. The goal was to get the entire team from one side up over the rope to the other side without anyone touching it. Challenging, especially for the last people who go. But for a heavy girl – in a baggy shirt (peach with flowers on it, I wore it all the time because it covered my FA) whose stiff jean shorts swished when she walked – it was a NIGHTMARE!
I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone lifting my heft up over the rope, which now seemed impossibly high. So I did what any rational human would do in my situation, I drifted toward the back of the group hoping everyone would forget I existed. Praying time would magically jump forward and deliver me from this paralyzing shame. Obviously, this was an ill-devised plan. Soon, the only ones left were two of the stronger boys and me. I nearly passed out as they discussed a plan for getting me up over the rope. What made matters worse was that one of the boys was Pete Kelly. Not only was Pete Kelly good-looking, he was super nice. Way nicer than a teenage boy that good-looking ought to be. He also started my life-long desire to marry someone with the last name of Kelly, so I could be *Kelly Jean Kelly. You know, like RACECAR.
I did black out when Pete struggled to get me up over the rope. My consciousness flying to the heavens where I wept out my horror to an unsympathetic Jesus, who even among the fluffy clouds was still nailed to the cross. Jesus shrugged, blood leaking from his wounds, and gave me a dry look that clearly said:
Could be worse, Kid.
By the time I reached the other side, I could attribute Catholicism with not only screwing me up about sex but also tainting any athletic activity that involves teams. Or basically doing anything, anywhere, in front of a group of people where I might look fat and stupid.
Last night was our final Boot Camp class!! Have I ever mentioned that boot camp consists of a class full of Fabulously Fit Men and me and Ivanna? I nearly died as we did 3 rounds of the Strength circuit and 3 rounds of the Conditioning circuit. I still have to do push-ups on my knees, while the some of the guys clap in between theirs. I can barely hold a side plank pose, while the guys are not only holding the pose but lifting up a leg. I find it really hard to even do a full Burpee (you don’t want to know), while the guys are doing them with added jumps and push-ups.
But in the last six weeks, I never once felt embarrassed. Mark, and every single one of those wonderful guys, always treated me like a superhot Fitness Ninja. And I left each class with an euphoric sense that Jesus was giving me the thumbs-up from his cross, with a proud look that clearly cried:
You Go, Girl!
Thank you so much to all of my amazing Boot Camp Compadres! Thank you to everyone who pledged to donate to Feeding America for every pound that I lost:
I have lost $15 lbs!
CLICK HERE to make your donation through my Charity Badge!
Thank you to Mark Fisher and the 6:30 class for lifting me up over the rope with their amazing energy. I’m excited to find out what is ahead for me on the other side.
*I continue my quest to be Kelly Jean Kelly, so if you are a man whose last name is Kelly, you are single, don’t smoke, and thought the new Star Trek movie rocked, please contact me at wgwafa@gmail.com
WhiteGirlWithaFatAss 