A friend of mine commented to me that I have dated more since my breakup than she has in her entire life.  In the overall context of our e-conversation, this was a compliment.  And yes, it has been quite the bobsled ride.  There are funny stories, ridiculous stories, and ridiculously funny stories in regards to my ups and downs and waiting arounds with the opposite sex.  It fact, the next person who asks,  “Are you writing this all down? because it is wonderful material for your next screenplay.” is going to get punched in the throat.

Last winter, I even received the most horrifying text from a male suitor that I have ever gotten in my life.  I was tempted to write about it at the time, but I couldn’t even retype the words and further perpetuate their power in this universe.  But hey, if you are dying to hear CLICK HERE to donate to Feeding America via my Charity Badge and email me at wgwafa@gmail.com for the full story.  That’s right people donate, you know you want to hear it.

I find that I  struggle with my weight when on a dating streak. I’ll blame it on going out to dinner more, or drinking to dull first dates that have devolved into tiny life interviews making me wish I could just hand them a resume and skip it all.

Check out my special skills.  References can be made available, but only upon request.

But the real truth is that dating downs like Mr. Mortifying Texter drive me straight to comfort eating.  Not that this a proper excuse.  It’s not.  It’s a pattern.  I know it, I own it, but I do it anyway.   Why?  I could state a bunch of bitterly frank phrases like:

• Because somewhere along the line I confused Macaroni & Cheese for love
• Because the only thing that gets ‘Burned’ with Pizza is the roof of your mouth
• Because the delivery man always shows up when you call

Secretly I fear it’s also because, in the moment, it genuinely makes me happy.   There is a movie quote that I love.  From Jerry Maguire, a movie that I don’t love.  But this quote often rumbles through my mind,

I’ve had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath.

Swap out ‘book’ for Battlestar Galactica and ‘bath’ for ice cream, and I hear you girl!

Not to say that this is anyone’s fault. But sometimes regardless of knowledge, comfort is needed.  Somewhere along the line I chose eating for comfort and have relied on food as Plan B on many a post-date night.

I know it, I own it, but I no longer hate myself for doing it.  And I am hopeful that as I continue to find new things that bring me happiness, I won’t do it as often. But it’s a tough world out there, and sometimes comfort is needed.  Here is a great way you can share a little comfort and help support Feeding America if you are unable to donate.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Feeding America proudly partners with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for the “Share a Little Comfort” campaign. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is one of America’s classic comfort foods. Knowing the comfort that a simple dish like macaroni and cheese can bring to tables across the country, Kraft is sharing that feeling with those in need with this campaign. Now, with the simple click of a mouse, anyone who visits www.ShareALittleComfort.com can contribute a box to Feeding America. Every click means that one box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will help feed the hungry … up to one million boxes! Kraft will be making a $100,000 contribution in conjunction with “Share a Little Comfort”. Please visit www.ShareALittleComfort.com to donate a box today.

I went to see Mel&EL at Comix last night and it was amazing.  They are an incredibly funny comic duo, with a deliciously bawdy sense of humor and since Mel& El have been friends since childhood there is a very endearing emotional center to their hilarious lifeshare.  Last night they performed one of my favorite songs.  If only I was 30 when I was 20.

Fav line: I could have spent 10 more years knowing I was friggin’ hot.

I have known the El of Mel& El since I was in college and watching her perform in front of this huge audience in a New York city comedy club, all I could think was, “Look at us! living in the future”

I can’t take credit for that line, it actually came from a childhood friend of mine who I knew only in first through third grade at a Catholic school in GA. She recently tracked me down via Facebook.  I moved around a lot growing up and was shocked that this childhood pal found me.  My biggest memory of that muggy Southern time was that the shriveled Nun who ‘taught’ art forced us to use only the yellow crayon to color people’s skin in our ALL SAINTS coloring book.  So even if you owned a peach or flesh crayon, you ended up with a book of jaundiced Saints.  To this day my sister won’t watch the Simpsons because they are Yellow.  I was pleasantly surprised when this long ago classmate and Catholic school survivor wrote me and electronically extolled,  Look at us! living in the future.

Watching El on stage last night, I flashed back to a time in college when I was frustrated by not getting cast in our theater department.  My boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend? I can’t remember we flipped back and forth a lot, tried to make me feel better by pointing out that El and I were the only girls called back for all three shows that semester.  I should be encouraged by the fact that I was even in the same category as her.   I laughed to myself over the memory and couldn’t help but think, look at El! living in the future.

Maybe I’m overusing the phrase but I’m on a sleep deficiency right now.  Thank you to everyone that came to the MEL& EL outing!

For those of you that didn’t CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT MEL & EL!

I need an outing.

The upside as of late is that I have been going to the gym regularly again (sorry Miriams) and rewriting my Christmas screenplay.   The writing is good. But both things require less going out, and more time to myself.  So the downside is:

• I have watched more episodes of the new 90210, and the Bill Engvall show than I care to admit.  I need to get real cable.
• Continuing the tradition of shaking it to Katy Perry’s ‘hot n cold’ every time it comes on as my official dance break song while writing, I now have an entire routine guaranteed to get me instantly kicked off a variety of TV reality shows.
• Last Sunday, I emailed one of the naked single guys photographed in Time Out.  Because it seemed like a solid idea at the time.  I dare you to guess which one.

Thus time for a much needed WGWaFA outing!  Let’s all go to this:

Mel & El: Gay Married
Thursday, October 8th at 7:30
Comix 353 West 14th St.
Tickets here: www.melandel.com OR www.comixny.com

MEL & EL are about to make a pilgrimage to Washington, D.C. to march for LGBT equality. but first they gotta do a show! MEL & EL: GAY MARRIED is a musical Laverne & Shirley meets Sex & the City with a lower shoe budget and a higher ratio of in-your-crotch comedy. Hailed as “outrageous” by The New York Times and “hilariously squirm-inducing” by the Village Voice, real life best friends and award-winning NYC cult phenomenon MEL & EL have brought down the house at Ars Nova, Gotham Comedy Club, The Box, The Zipper, Birdland, The Stonewall Inn, Therapy, and The PIT. Their hit song “Fagnet” won the Backstage Bistro Award for Outstanding Musical Comedy Number and they were recipients of the Collaboration Award given by the NY Coalition of Professional Women in the Arts and Media. Join the girls at Comix as they ponder the fashion choices of their teens, the feasability of having George Michael as a neighbor, and the likelihood of getting gay married.

GO TO MEL& EL for videos, song clips and MORE

Best part is since it’s MY OUTING, we get a discount:

FRIENDS OF WHITEGIRLWITHAFATASS ENTER THE CODE “GAYMARRIED” AT CHECKOUT FOR $12 TICKETS!

CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

So hurry, go get your discount tickets and comment below to tell me you are coming and I will make goody bags!   As some of you know, due to some sort of genetic programming handed down by my Mother, I am a big goody bag maker.  Top three goody bag outings so far are:

1. Star Wars Episode One Premier.  The Goody bags I made for standing in line were better than the movie!
2. The Lincoln Center IMAX opening.  I somehow scored 20 free tickets to the first IMAX movie at that theater.  We took up a whole row and it was hilarious to see all those 20-somethings rooting through their goody bags and swapping candy and toys.
3. The original A Very Merry Boston Market Christmas – which FYI maybe making a return this holiday season.  More on that later.

Aren’t you excited??!!  don’t you want to come out and have fun with me and MEL&EL on October 8th and get your very own Goody Bag?  And for every WGWaFA guest who buys a discounted $12 ticket, the $3 saved will be donated to FEEDING AMERICA.

So it is a win, win, win.  Outing, goody bag, charity.  Come on people.

And if you can’t come to the show, but feel really sorry for me, you can still make me feel loved by CLICKING HERE to donate to Feeding America through my Charity Badge.

Arrrgggghhh tomorrow be International Talk Like  a Pirate Day.

Since I can’t be bloggin in this swarthy fashion for long, I be sharin with you a right mighty way to celebrate the day. All ye landlubbers who be miserable in yur wee cubes, need to be takin a break and watch yurself me favorite new webseries

Pirates vs Hobos

Fav line:  “Some aren’t worth the bindles on their shoulders.”

I have a good friend who isn’t allowed to work out for two weeks because……

You know, I don’t even really remember why.  My brain stopped listening to her because I was so fixated on the concept of someone being UPSET that they can’t work out for two weeks.  This is particularly ironic to me because I am presently struggling to get back into a gym/exercise routine.  If I go to the gym tonight, it will be an earth shattering three days in a row.

However, I found this to be an incredible opportunity to share with my workout withdrawal friend, and the world, my knowledge in an area where I excel.  Not working out.   Here are some tips on how to NOT work out for 2 weeks (or infinitely) and with a few rationalization techniques be just fine with that.

1. Sleep.  Sleep as much as humanly possible.  Sleep helps reduce stress, and people who don’t get enough sleep indulge in extra snacking.  Not tired, take a nap anyway.  It’s good for you.
2. Get an exercise class schedule from your local gym and then circle all the classes that sound appealing and post it to your fridge.  I find that once I circle a class, that guarantees I will never attend.
3. Living in a studio apartment, a yoga mat makes a great make-shift rug for those long narrow strips of space that are created by unnaturally partitioning what is really one big room into individual living areas.  You can tell yourself you are going to get up and stretch/do some yoga every morning.  But from experience I can say, probably won’t happen.  Also, who wants to pick up their dirty rug and drag it off to a Yoga class? (Circled on the schedule) It’s better to just let it lay.
4. Cut out exercise routines from magazines and post them close to your bed. Promise yourself that you will start doing them…  Tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.  But don’t blame yourself, you made an effort, but come on it’s not like you have a yoga mat right next to your bed or anything…
5. Go to the gym.  But don’t work out.  Just use the jacuzzi, sauna.  You feel something coming on, a head cold maybe? And this will help clear you out.  When you are sure you aren’t sick, you can come back and work out then.  And hey, at least this way you are getting your money’s worth for your gym membership.
6. Are you going out tonight? Dinner? Drinks?? What would be the point of working out today?  You are just going to eat and drink it right back on.  Take the time you would have gone to the gym to go get a haircut, or a mani/pedi so that you will look your best.
7. Never underestimate the value of  – Starting tomorrow- or  -Starting Next Week- or my favorite -Starting in the New Year- there is nothing quite like the willy nilly exsplurgsions of eat, drink, and be merry when you plan to snap to and become Mrs. Healthy McHealthnut beginning in the near distant future.
8. Hang out with smokers.  You automatically feel like you have to be ahead. No work out necessary.
9. My all time favorite.  Watch exercise equipment infomercials. If you end up purchasing the magical exercise product and /or system of the week then there is no point in working out now in an inferior way.  Best to wait until it arrives.
10. OR, just watch the infomercials.  Don’t order the products and because the people all seem like such dumb asses you now feel much better about not being anything like them.  Except maybe Susan Lucci.  I’ve really been meaning to look into that Malibu Pilates chair.  Maybe once I get that….

And there you have it.  I hereby pass my knowledge along to my friend, and the world.  She is now about half way through her two week gym banishment.  We got iced mochas this weekend at a local coffee shop.  As we were ordering, she asked the waiter not to put whipped cream on hers,

You know, because I can’t work out right now.  Actually, can you go ahead and just make it a plain iced coffee? No sugar.  Thanks.

Oh grasshopper.  There is so much yet for you to learn.

Here is another way to ease your sloth guilt.  September is Hunger Action Month.  CLICK HERE to donate to Feeding America via my Charity Badge.  Or VISIT THE HUNGER ACTION CENTER to see how you can take part.

We are receiving an early dismissal from my work today due to Labor Day weekend.  I love that termage, it gives me the mental image of running down a huge set of stone steps towards sweet, sweet freedom. Books, pencils, and papers flying into the air…

But before the onset of this last summer weekend, how about we play some Free Rice.  Where yous can improve them brainskilz whiles helping to fight world hunger.

Today’s work: FECKLESS = INEFFECTIVE

Things that I have found particularly FECKLESS lately as I make my way through this cruelly beautiful world of ours:

• Mechanical pencils. Give me a #2 Ticonderoga over this silly plastic excuses for a pencil with their ever-snapping off lead.
• Gesundheit.  I’m sorry I know it’s un-PC but when I sneeze, don’t Gesundheit me.  My heart just stopped (is that true? not sure) and my open mouth allows the devil to fly inside.  Would a ‘God Bless you’  kill you?  Cross your fingers if you’re an Atheist.  Or does being an Atheist negate the finger crossing need?
• Internet dating.  I’m not saying but I’m just saying.
• Handing out flyers on the street.  Quick poll: Has anyone ever gone to a psychic or bought insurance from one of those?
• Splitting the check evenly.  How is making me pay the same as you owe regardless of what I did or did not eat or drink even?
• Google Docs.  I know I’m a dull bulb amongst sharp crayons but I’m lost…
• Oh, LOST.  The show.  Both last season, and the year we have to wait for the next one.
• Drummers in subway stations.  Feckless as entertainers.  Effective at making me want to push someone into an oncoming train.
• Going to spin class.  Actually that’s totally effective unless you fecklessly stuff your face at brunch after.
• Trying to coordinate group events.
• Direct requests.  Shockingly feckless lately, I’m going back to good ‘ole passive aggressive.
• Jalapeno Poppers, when did these become nothing but thawed TGIFriday fare? Is there a popper with some real kick left out there?
• Melon ballers.  don’t get me wrong, I love me some melon balls.  But have you ever tried to use one?
• My brain.

I think that last item on the list is my way of saying that it’s time to run towards sweet, sweet, freedom.  Enjoy your holiday weekend and do some good – Play Free Rice!

Check back next week for more on the WGWaFA feckless-free Hunger Action Month Event.

It is September 1st.  I woke up angrily aware of that fact this morning.  Summer is pretty much a wash, literally this year.  I never made it to the beach, didn’t lose the 15lbs I vow to drop each summer, because it is so nice out I will exercise every day! uh, huh…

Here’s one good thing about September. September is Hunger Action Month!

What is Hunger Action Month?

Hunger Action Month is Feeding America’s most important national initiative of the year—it’s a time when we work together with our 205 member food banks and countless concerned advocates like you to focus the nation’s priorities on ending hunger.  This September, our Hunger Action Month advocacy activities will be centered on child hunger.  With 1 in 6 American children at risk, we’ll concentrate on raising public awareness of child hunger and educating our elected officials about the importance of government funding for critical Child Nutrition Programs.

What can you do to get involved? Visit the Hunger Action Center’s Hunger Action Month Headquarters to join the Food Bank Competition, to take action, and to get updates on the campaign and contest.

Also check back to WGWaFA- as part of Hunger Action month I am planning a super secret, multi-blog event!!  So secret that I haven’t even let myself know exactly what I am planning yet…  Yes, I am that crafty.   But it will be fun and really what else do you have going on?  Do you have something going on?  You do?  Why haven’t you invited me??

More soon….

Disclaimer:  White Girl With a Fat Ass has been suffering from a deathly head cold and apologizes for the lack of posts this week.  She is also heavily medicated and cannot be held accountable for whatever she writes in this one.

There was a time in high school where I had, let us just say, a severe lack of friends.   I have one particular memory of a school field trip to Williamsburg, VA.  I was sitting on the bus by myself with a book.  Which was fairly normal.  As the bus rolled along its merry way I was descended upon by 3 guys.  Jason and Brian, twins, and Jason’s best friend Matt.  They did not leave my side the entire trip.  I was completely overwhelmed by the attention.  The were loud, funny, and one of them (I will never admit which one) I’d had a crush on for about a year.   Back then, I thought they were the coolest guys ever.   For some reason that I can’t recall, on the trip back they serenaded me with an impromptu performance of  ‘Fly Me to the Moon’

Recalling this years later was when I first realized that the Boys perhaps had their own coolness issues in high school.  But I always smile when I hear that song.

I soon figured out that the Boys were paying me so much attention because they wanted me to get them a job at the movie theater where I worked.   But I didn’t care.  I basked in their false glories because I was  secretly desperately lonely.  However, I also quickly saw how these sharp, charming fellows used girls’ crushes on them to get what they wanted, how they would sort of ‘adopt’ other geeks to elevate their coolness, and then often quickly move on.  I was determined not to be one of these wide-eyed girls or pet dork.   There is one distinct moment not too long after that field trip which I later pinpointed as the turning point in my personality.  The birth of the smartass GuyGirl.

One day I was sitting with one of the twins (again not saying who) in their car. We were waiting for his brother to get out of band practice.  Did I mention the  coolness issues?  In the middle of rambling about random teenage things all of a sudden he blurts out,

The first time I fingered a girl, I was shocked at how much hair there was down there.

And without missing a beat, these are the very words that came out of my virginal mouth.  A mouth that had yet to even kiss a guy,

Yeah, I know.  The first time I went down on a guy I didn’t know if I should brush my teeth after or not.

We both laughed.  Aha!  I could be funny.  I didn’t have to be pretty, or popular or even all that smart.  Oddly, the coolest girls in my high school were all three.  Especially smart, like AP Calculus smart.  While I was overweight, lonely, and struggling in my AP classes.  (Hello irony)   But I could dish it out.  Keep up with the Boys.  I soon learned how to hang.  I wasn’t really a tomboy because I wasn’t good at any sports or anything really.  I was the GuyGirl.  I slept over their house.  We would watch Cool Hand Luke, play poker, and chew on candy cigars.  Coolness issues.

And I pretended it didn’t bother me when they talked about girls.  About who looked hot, who had junk in the trunk, who let them do what, where, and how often.    I just kept up, whipped out crass zingers, found my place.  Meanwhile inside, I was often mortified.  If they could find all these faults with girls that I would kill to look like, what hope did I have?  But it didn’t matter, as long as I was the funny GuyGirl friend I was safe.   It was my niche and I carved the hell out of it. To this day, I am still more comfortable being the Dude.  But I’m working on that.  At first ‘working on that’ translated to ‘insert scotch until slutty.’  But now I’m actually working on it, for reals.

And thus one of my major strengths, my sense of humor, was born directly from coping with insecurity.  I think that’s the way it usually happens though, right?  And as the Boys grew up and became the Men, they have shown themselves to be wonderful husbands, fathers, and some of the truest friends I’ve ever had.  I meanwhile write a blog about my Fat Ass, but let’s not think too hard on that one.  But hey, I have raised over $3000 for Feeding America.  Speaking of which, if you have laughed at all by this point please CLICK HERE TO DONATE. This shit ain’t free.

Years later, I was surprised when one of the Boys shared with me his own body issues in high school.  The concept of men being insecure about their bodies was something I had never even considered.  Since I started WGWaFA, I have been touched by the number of men who have commented or written to me about their own body issues.   How joyous that we can all be completely f’d up together!

I thought this The Mind of Man column, GUYS HAVE INSECURITIES, JUST LIKE WOMEN! from The Frisky is a wonderfully snarky take on this topic.  Just think, how many less truly slaptastically funny people would there be if it wasn’t for insecurity?

Does this font make me look fat?

Good day!

In the continued effort to maintain a life balance, I have a negative tale and a joyful promotion to share with you my lovely readers.  And because I am my Father’s daughter, I will lead with the negative. This true account of my street interaction with a sleazy stranger is dedicated to my good friend Daphne.  I shall title this brief life play, YOU KNOW YOU ARE JADED WHEN…

Walking out of a bodega in my  neighborhood this weekend, a very unsavory fellow sidled up beside me on the street and our conversation went a little something like this:

Him:  Oh, beautiful lady. Beautiful lady,  so beautiful.

Me:  Yeah, fucking lot of good it’s done me.

And scene.  **Insert Emoticon Bow Here**

On the flip side, here is a really fun way that you can support Arts for All, a great non-profit arts organization that serves in-need children ages 4-19, by drinking shiny happy Jamba Juice!!

Help bring the arts to in-need children by making a purchase at Jamba Juice THIS FRIDAY, August 21st. Just mention us at the register!

Jamba Juice, in New York City, will be sponsoring Arts for All, Inc. in a special promotion on Friday, August 21st. Simply mention Arts for All at the register anytime on August 21st, and 20% of your purchase will go to serving in-need children through the arts! Arts for All will also have a free children’s arts and craft station from 1-5pm at all participating locations (with the exception of the Union Square location), so bring your children!

Participating Locations:

*Jamba Juice located in Tribeca at 88 West Broadway, between Warren and Chambers

*Jamba Juice located at Houston and Mercer

*Jamba Juice located at 23rd Street and 5th Avenue

*Jamba Juice located at Union Square South on University Place

*Jamba Juice located at 24th Street and 7th Avenue

*Jamba Juice located at 13th Street and 6th Avenue

For more information, visit www.arts-for-all.org

Note: This is the first time I have used the ‘f word’ in my blog.  Not counting Frak.  This was unavoidable in order to depict my brief life play as accurately as possible.  Thank you.

The other night I had the chance to hear an amazing writer, and storyteller speak.  And do what it appears he does best, tell ridiculously funny, well-timed stories.  By the end of the night, I was drooling with envy at his charm, mastering of wordplay, and career accomplishments.

To name a small few the speaker, Alan Zweibel, use to carpool to comedy clubs with Billy Crystal, was an original writer on SNL, brought 700 Sundays and Martin Short’s one man show Fame Becomes Me (which I had the awesome pleasure of seeing ) to Broadway.  Had an amazing writing partnership with Gilda Radner and was a writer for one of my favorite shows growing up, The Gary Shandling Show.  Even as I type this the theme song is resurfacing and looping in my mind.

As he spoke, oohs of acknowledgment rose from the audience when different pop culture firecrackers went off in their brains as they listened in awe to the man who had helped create these golden moments.  I found it oddly charming that for me the firecracker that sparkled the brightest was when he spoke of writing the novel and then the screenplay for the movie NORTH.

When I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater.  I also had a passionate admiration for the director Rob Reiner.  When I discovered that two of what I considered to be the greatest movies of all time, The Princess Bride and A Few Good Men, had come from the same man,  I proclaimed Meathead my movie God.  I was very excited for the opening weekend of NORTH.  I had snagged a copy of the poster when they came in, and fought for the NORTH button to wear proudly on my uniform lapel.  This was going to be a great movie.

I worked a twelve hour shift, the highlight being a small child standing in the long concessions’ line chanting incessantly for what seemed like hours

Lion King, Lion King, Lion King, Lion King, lion king mommmy, lion king, Lion King

Until I was almost fired for proclaiming a tad too loudly

Somebody Kill it!

When I was done, I took my grease-splattered, butter-weary bones to see NORTH.  I walked out in the same manner as I imagined many Star Wars fans must have after the premier of Episode I.  Utterly disappointed and angry as if I had been personally wronged.  Cut to – I really don’t want to calculate how many years later – and here I am laughing my ass off listening to this man speak.   Lately, I have had similar feelings about how the course of my life has turned out

Disappointed and angry as if I had been personally wronged

Listening to this fascinating man talk and share his life stories, including the beautifully whimsical first meeting of Gilda Radner while hiding behind a plant at his first SNL writer’s meeting, I felt privileged that the course of my life had lead me to this moment.

When the moderator asked Mr. Zweibel if he had any words for a room of aspiring writers, he encouraged us to never give up, never let anyone tell you that you don’t have talent.  He then did the most wonderful thing ever.  He pulled a well rumpled review of NORTH out of his wallet and then read the first few lines of Roger Ebert’s review that has now become infamous and starts

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it.

So infamous that it was used as the title for Roger Ebert’s 2000 book which collected up reviews of thumbs way down movies.  Why he carries this review around in his wallet, I’m not sure. Then again, wouldn’t you? But the very real idea of not being afraid of Failure and following the beat of your heart, murmurs and all, poured forth.  I wanted to jump up and shout to this brilliantly quirky fellow, “You Failed!” and finally celebrate my long ago anticipated movie NORTH.

Alan Zweibel’s take on the now google-able  Hated, Hated review was like, I string words together and hope that people will like them.  Sometimes they do.  Sometimes they don’t.  Hey, it’s not like I committed a war crime.

As the rejections for my latest script have started rolling in. And I struggle with my weight, and emotional eating to cope, along with finding the courage to start the daunting process of writing a new script, who would have ever thought I’d find so much inspiration in the movie NORTH?  Just please don’t ask me to watch it again.

Thank you to Mr. Zweibel, an author who has also written the books Bunny Bunny: Gilda Radner – A Sort of Love Story, The Other Shulman, and Clothing Optional: And Other Ways to Read These Stories