It has been said that there are those who eat to live and those who live to eat.  But Phat Shui acknowledges and embraces people in the third category: those who live to eat but don’t metabolize.

Phat Shui for Turkey Day

balancing the nutrient-filled and free space on your Thankgiving plate for optimum mental consumption

• Lower left: Health. This portion of your plate is dedicated to the idea that even on a holiday you are aware of health.  Steamed green beans inform the rest of the dish that you are a healthy choice maker.  I find keeping the green beans on the plate for as long as possible as a visible reminder of this choice is a perfectly acceptable alternative to eating them.
• Lower-middle: Work. If there happens to be a traditional dish provided by a friend, relative or loved one that was not only a labor of love for them to make but for you to eat, place a dollop of  said concoction in this area like a trophy or prize to honor their efforts.  And if any sort of run-off or juice bleeds into other areas, due to the tilt of the Earth’s axis, it will most likely hit the green beans.  If you are not doing well at your work, suck it up and shovel in a few bites for good measure.
• Lower-right: Tradition. This is the food that traditionally is high on your list of no-nos.  In the world of the anti-carb this mostly comes in the form of the Spud.  Mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes, and yes Kristen, even Pataki Potatoes.  Placed in this area they now represent Tradition.  A staple, a go-to to get the taste of the trophy dish next to them out of your mouth.  Go ahead, pile them on, the rest of the year they live in shame.  Let them have their day of honor.
• Middle-left: Family and Sharing. Harness this area for better relationships.  If you place like two, three, or more things that are easily sharable here- like crescent rolls, or cornbread-  the lending energy feeds the spirit of the day.  If you end up eating all of them, hey not your fault, no one took you up on your generosity.  And what are you going to do, put them back?
• Center: Self. All other squares influence  concepts in your life.  And your well-being.  This area is you.  Clearly, this is where the turkey goes.  The turkey is stuffed, you will be stuffed with turkey.  Cycle of life.  Can’t fight it.
• Middle-right: Child. Child also means “creativity” as well.  This is where you place the food you primarily intend to play with.  My personal choice is olives.  Olives have holes in them that perfectly cap over your finger tops.  To me, and perhaps Kirk Cameron, putting them on all my digits and waggling my fingers proves the existence of God.
• Upper-left: Wealth. If your finances are going down the tubes, look to this area of your plate.  Place the mostly costly dish on that table here.  Fancy cheeses, or other delicacies. Especially if you were not the one to provide this topshelf goody.  Give yourself a second helping.  Tell the world you deserve riches and you will receive them.  Or at least, get your money’s worth to compensate for whatever you did pay into this celebratory feast.
• Upper-center: Fame. How do you want to be remembered?  This area is for the food that looks so pretty that you don’t even want to eat it.  brightness and presentation is important here.  A good garnish or radish rose, something to detract that you wolfed down the rest of your plate.  Or to keep the abandoned green beans and barely touched trophy dish from being overly apparent.
• Upper-right: Relationships/Marriage. If you are in one of those lovey-dovey relationships where you eat off each others plate, this area is best for placing such ‘Oh I’ll just try a little of yours’ items.   For the rest of us, put the wishbone here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

When you look up from your plate, I hope it is there that you find what truly makes you thankful.

It’s been two years of ups and downs since I started White Girl With a Fat Ass.  And as of late the ups and downs still keep coming, but it’s nice to have this tiny coded domain to come home to as a check-in.  As a way to keep things in check.

On this my blog’s two year anniversary, I am going to re-share where the name came from.

Here is the story of how my blog got this name:

One of my first memories of New York City is getting up really early one morning to go be an extra for the worst indie movie of all time.  At the time I lived in the back of a hair salon on 45th& 8th.  That’s right a hair salon, the cool spinning chair, the big alien looking blow drier that comes over your head.  As I walked through Time’s Square at 5 a.m. – I realized THIS was the worst time to be out.  Because every body around me were not early risers,  they were still up from the night before.

As I walked along, so hopeful in my New Life in the City.  My hair freshly groomed with products stolen from my apartment/hair salon. I was in that total hat-throwing-I’m-gonna-make-it-after-all moment when from behind me I heard low faint chants.

‘white girl with a fat ass, white girl with a fat ass, white girl with a FAT ass’

What can only be described as a your classic 80’s movie drunken homeless wino, was following me chanting.  And as I walked faster, hoping to God he wasn’t following me, my hurried movement only emphasized the jiggling momentum of said ASS and his chant reached a fevered pitch.

‘WHITE GIRL with a fat ass WHITE girl with a FAT ASS white girl WITH a FaaaTTTT ASSSSSSSS’

And no matter how fast I hauled my now infamous ass, I could not escape those words. I have continued to run but those words have followed me.

Two years later,  White Girl With a Fat Ass has a whole new connotation. Sure, most of my hits still come from people surfing for porn.  Sure, sometimes when I meet people for the first time and we have mutual friends I’m always taken aback to hear them proclaim, ‘Oh you’re that Fat Ass Girl’ Sure, now when I’m on a first date I think how fun for them when they inevitably google my name and find many hits that read: White Girl With a Fat Ass

But this blog has also raised over $3000 for hunger relief, produced two live events, got me to perform improv again, and lead to countless friends.

Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, played free rice, donated and forwarded WGWaFA.  Please CLICK HERE to keep it going and donate to NYC’s CITY HARVEST this holiday season.  1.5 million New Yorkers currently live in poverty, struggling to afford basic necessities such as rent and medical care and put food on their tables.  If you are looking for other ways to support City Harvest this Holiday Season you can CLICK HERE to check out a guide to NYC’s most generous restaurants and support them as they support City Harvest.

Well as I walked towards work today, the STARS at the Time Warner Center glittered at me with their special kick to the crotch beauty.

As some of you know I have a complicated history with the beloved holiday that is Christmas.  This year, I will be focusing on the positive and working to raise money for NYC’s City Harvest.

But as I take a deep breath to once again brace myself for the Holidays, let’s take a moment to listen to this little ditty.  A special kind of Christmas song that when  Emphemerist first listened to it he proclaimed,

Finally, someone has written your Anthem!

A friend of mine commented to me that I have dated more since my breakup than she has in her entire life.  In the overall context of our e-conversation, this was a compliment.  And yes, it has been quite the bobsled ride.  There are funny stories, ridiculous stories, and ridiculously funny stories in regards to my ups and downs and waiting arounds with the opposite sex.  It fact, the next person who asks,  “Are you writing this all down? because it is wonderful material for your next screenplay.” is going to get punched in the throat.

Last winter, I even received the most horrifying text from a male suitor that I have ever gotten in my life.  I was tempted to write about it at the time, but I couldn’t even retype the words and further perpetuate their power in this universe.  But hey, if you are dying to hear CLICK HERE to donate to Feeding America via my Charity Badge and email me at wgwafa@gmail.com for the full story.  That’s right people donate, you know you want to hear it.

I find that I  struggle with my weight when on a dating streak. I’ll blame it on going out to dinner more, or drinking to dull first dates that have devolved into tiny life interviews making me wish I could just hand them a resume and skip it all.

Check out my special skills.  References can be made available, but only upon request.

But the real truth is that dating downs like Mr. Mortifying Texter drive me straight to comfort eating.  Not that this a proper excuse.  It’s not.  It’s a pattern.  I know it, I own it, but I do it anyway.   Why?  I could state a bunch of bitterly frank phrases like:

• Because somewhere along the line I confused Macaroni & Cheese for love
• Because the only thing that gets ‘Burned’ with Pizza is the roof of your mouth
• Because the delivery man always shows up when you call

Secretly I fear it’s also because, in the moment, it genuinely makes me happy.   There is a movie quote that I love.  From Jerry Maguire, a movie that I don’t love.  But this quote often rumbles through my mind,

I’ve had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath.

Swap out ‘book’ for Battlestar Galactica and ‘bath’ for ice cream, and I hear you girl!

Not to say that this is anyone’s fault. But sometimes regardless of knowledge, comfort is needed.  Somewhere along the line I chose eating for comfort and have relied on food as Plan B on many a post-date night.

I know it, I own it, but I no longer hate myself for doing it.  And I am hopeful that as I continue to find new things that bring me happiness, I won’t do it as often. But it’s a tough world out there, and sometimes comfort is needed.  Here is a great way you can share a little comfort and help support Feeding America if you are unable to donate.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Feeding America proudly partners with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for the “Share a Little Comfort” campaign. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is one of America’s classic comfort foods. Knowing the comfort that a simple dish like macaroni and cheese can bring to tables across the country, Kraft is sharing that feeling with those in need with this campaign. Now, with the simple click of a mouse, anyone who visits www.ShareALittleComfort.com can contribute a box to Feeding America. Every click means that one box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will help feed the hungry … up to one million boxes! Kraft will be making a $100,000 contribution in conjunction with “Share a Little Comfort”. Please visit www.ShareALittleComfort.com to donate a box today.

I went to see Mel&EL at Comix last night and it was amazing.  They are an incredibly funny comic duo, with a deliciously bawdy sense of humor and since Mel& El have been friends since childhood there is a very endearing emotional center to their hilarious lifeshare.  Last night they performed one of my favorite songs.  If only I was 30 when I was 20.

Fav line: I could have spent 10 more years knowing I was friggin’ hot.

I have known the El of Mel& El since I was in college and watching her perform in front of this huge audience in a New York city comedy club, all I could think was, “Look at us! living in the future”

I can’t take credit for that line, it actually came from a childhood friend of mine who I knew only in first through third grade at a Catholic school in GA. She recently tracked me down via Facebook.  I moved around a lot growing up and was shocked that this childhood pal found me.  My biggest memory of that muggy Southern time was that the shriveled Nun who ‘taught’ art forced us to use only the yellow crayon to color people’s skin in our ALL SAINTS coloring book.  So even if you owned a peach or flesh crayon, you ended up with a book of jaundiced Saints.  To this day my sister won’t watch the Simpsons because they are Yellow.  I was pleasantly surprised when this long ago classmate and Catholic school survivor wrote me and electronically extolled,  Look at us! living in the future.

Watching El on stage last night, I flashed back to a time in college when I was frustrated by not getting cast in our theater department.  My boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend? I can’t remember we flipped back and forth a lot, tried to make me feel better by pointing out that El and I were the only girls called back for all three shows that semester.  I should be encouraged by the fact that I was even in the same category as her.   I laughed to myself over the memory and couldn’t help but think, look at El! living in the future.

Maybe I’m overusing the phrase but I’m on a sleep deficiency right now.  Thank you to everyone that came to the MEL& EL outing!

For those of you that didn’t CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT MEL & EL!

I need an outing.

The upside as of late is that I have been going to the gym regularly again (sorry Miriams) and rewriting my Christmas screenplay.   The writing is good. But both things require less going out, and more time to myself.  So the downside is:

• I have watched more episodes of the new 90210, and the Bill Engvall show than I care to admit.  I need to get real cable.
• Continuing the tradition of shaking it to Katy Perry’s ‘hot n cold’ every time it comes on as my official dance break song while writing, I now have an entire routine guaranteed to get me instantly kicked off a variety of TV reality shows.
• Last Sunday, I emailed one of the naked single guys photographed in Time Out.  Because it seemed like a solid idea at the time.  I dare you to guess which one.

Thus time for a much needed WGWaFA outing!  Let’s all go to this:

Mel & El: Gay Married
Thursday, October 8th at 7:30
Comix 353 West 14th St.
Tickets here: www.melandel.com OR www.comixny.com

MEL & EL are about to make a pilgrimage to Washington, D.C. to march for LGBT equality. but first they gotta do a show! MEL & EL: GAY MARRIED is a musical Laverne & Shirley meets Sex & the City with a lower shoe budget and a higher ratio of in-your-crotch comedy. Hailed as “outrageous” by The New York Times and “hilariously squirm-inducing” by the Village Voice, real life best friends and award-winning NYC cult phenomenon MEL & EL have brought down the house at Ars Nova, Gotham Comedy Club, The Box, The Zipper, Birdland, The Stonewall Inn, Therapy, and The PIT. Their hit song “Fagnet” won the Backstage Bistro Award for Outstanding Musical Comedy Number and they were recipients of the Collaboration Award given by the NY Coalition of Professional Women in the Arts and Media. Join the girls at Comix as they ponder the fashion choices of their teens, the feasability of having George Michael as a neighbor, and the likelihood of getting gay married.

GO TO MEL& EL for videos, song clips and MORE

Best part is since it’s MY OUTING, we get a discount:

FRIENDS OF WHITEGIRLWITHAFATASS ENTER THE CODE “GAYMARRIED” AT CHECKOUT FOR $12 TICKETS!

CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

So hurry, go get your discount tickets and comment below to tell me you are coming and I will make goody bags!   As some of you know, due to some sort of genetic programming handed down by my Mother, I am a big goody bag maker.  Top three goody bag outings so far are:

1. Star Wars Episode One Premier.  The Goody bags I made for standing in line were better than the movie!
2. The Lincoln Center IMAX opening.  I somehow scored 20 free tickets to the first IMAX movie at that theater.  We took up a whole row and it was hilarious to see all those 20-somethings rooting through their goody bags and swapping candy and toys.
3. The original A Very Merry Boston Market Christmas – which FYI maybe making a return this holiday season.  More on that later.

Aren’t you excited??!!  don’t you want to come out and have fun with me and MEL&EL on October 8th and get your very own Goody Bag?  And for every WGWaFA guest who buys a discounted $12 ticket, the $3 saved will be donated to FEEDING AMERICA.

So it is a win, win, win.  Outing, goody bag, charity.  Come on people.

And if you can’t come to the show, but feel really sorry for me, you can still make me feel loved by CLICKING HERE to donate to Feeding America through my Charity Badge.

Arrrgggghhh tomorrow be International Talk Like  a Pirate Day.

Since I can’t be bloggin in this swarthy fashion for long, I be sharin with you a right mighty way to celebrate the day. All ye landlubbers who be miserable in yur wee cubes, need to be takin a break and watch yurself me favorite new webseries

Pirates vs Hobos

Fav line:  “Some aren’t worth the bindles on their shoulders.”

I have a good friend who isn’t allowed to work out for two weeks because……

You know, I don’t even really remember why.  My brain stopped listening to her because I was so fixated on the concept of someone being UPSET that they can’t work out for two weeks.  This is particularly ironic to me because I am presently struggling to get back into a gym/exercise routine.  If I go to the gym tonight, it will be an earth shattering three days in a row.

However, I found this to be an incredible opportunity to share with my workout withdrawal friend, and the world, my knowledge in an area where I excel.  Not working out.   Here are some tips on how to NOT work out for 2 weeks (or infinitely) and with a few rationalization techniques be just fine with that.

1. Sleep.  Sleep as much as humanly possible.  Sleep helps reduce stress, and people who don’t get enough sleep indulge in extra snacking.  Not tired, take a nap anyway.  It’s good for you.
2. Get an exercise class schedule from your local gym and then circle all the classes that sound appealing and post it to your fridge.  I find that once I circle a class, that guarantees I will never attend.
3. Living in a studio apartment, a yoga mat makes a great make-shift rug for those long narrow strips of space that are created by unnaturally partitioning what is really one big room into individual living areas.  You can tell yourself you are going to get up and stretch/do some yoga every morning.  But from experience I can say, probably won’t happen.  Also, who wants to pick up their dirty rug and drag it off to a Yoga class? (Circled on the schedule) It’s better to just let it lay.
4. Cut out exercise routines from magazines and post them close to your bed. Promise yourself that you will start doing them…  Tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.  But don’t blame yourself, you made an effort, but come on it’s not like you have a yoga mat right next to your bed or anything…
5. Go to the gym.  But don’t work out.  Just use the jacuzzi, sauna.  You feel something coming on, a head cold maybe? And this will help clear you out.  When you are sure you aren’t sick, you can come back and work out then.  And hey, at least this way you are getting your money’s worth for your gym membership.
6. Are you going out tonight? Dinner? Drinks?? What would be the point of working out today?  You are just going to eat and drink it right back on.  Take the time you would have gone to the gym to go get a haircut, or a mani/pedi so that you will look your best.
7. Never underestimate the value of  – Starting tomorrow- or  -Starting Next Week- or my favorite -Starting in the New Year- there is nothing quite like the willy nilly exsplurgsions of eat, drink, and be merry when you plan to snap to and become Mrs. Healthy McHealthnut beginning in the near distant future.
8. Hang out with smokers.  You automatically feel like you have to be ahead. No work out necessary.
9. My all time favorite.  Watch exercise equipment infomercials. If you end up purchasing the magical exercise product and /or system of the week then there is no point in working out now in an inferior way.  Best to wait until it arrives.
10. OR, just watch the infomercials.  Don’t order the products and because the people all seem like such dumb asses you now feel much better about not being anything like them.  Except maybe Susan Lucci.  I’ve really been meaning to look into that Malibu Pilates chair.  Maybe once I get that….

And there you have it.  I hereby pass my knowledge along to my friend, and the world.  She is now about half way through her two week gym banishment.  We got iced mochas this weekend at a local coffee shop.  As we were ordering, she asked the waiter not to put whipped cream on hers,

You know, because I can’t work out right now.  Actually, can you go ahead and just make it a plain iced coffee? No sugar.  Thanks.

Oh grasshopper.  There is so much yet for you to learn.

Here is another way to ease your sloth guilt.  September is Hunger Action Month.  CLICK HERE to donate to Feeding America via my Charity Badge.  Or VISIT THE HUNGER ACTION CENTER to see how you can take part.

We are receiving an early dismissal from my work today due to Labor Day weekend.  I love that termage, it gives me the mental image of running down a huge set of stone steps towards sweet, sweet freedom. Books, pencils, and papers flying into the air…

But before the onset of this last summer weekend, how about we play some Free Rice.  Where yous can improve them brainskilz whiles helping to fight world hunger.

Today’s work: FECKLESS = INEFFECTIVE

Things that I have found particularly FECKLESS lately as I make my way through this cruelly beautiful world of ours:

• Mechanical pencils. Give me a #2 Ticonderoga over this silly plastic excuses for a pencil with their ever-snapping off lead.
• Gesundheit.  I’m sorry I know it’s un-PC but when I sneeze, don’t Gesundheit me.  My heart just stopped (is that true? not sure) and my open mouth allows the devil to fly inside.  Would a ‘God Bless you’  kill you?  Cross your fingers if you’re an Atheist.  Or does being an Atheist negate the finger crossing need?
• Internet dating.  I’m not saying but I’m just saying.
• Handing out flyers on the street.  Quick poll: Has anyone ever gone to a psychic or bought insurance from one of those?
• Splitting the check evenly.  How is making me pay the same as you owe regardless of what I did or did not eat or drink even?
• Google Docs.  I know I’m a dull bulb amongst sharp crayons but I’m lost…
• Oh, LOST.  The show.  Both last season, and the year we have to wait for the next one.
• Drummers in subway stations.  Feckless as entertainers.  Effective at making me want to push someone into an oncoming train.
• Going to spin class.  Actually that’s totally effective unless you fecklessly stuff your face at brunch after.
• Trying to coordinate group events.
• Direct requests.  Shockingly feckless lately, I’m going back to good ‘ole passive aggressive.
• Jalapeno Poppers, when did these become nothing but thawed TGIFriday fare? Is there a popper with some real kick left out there?
• Melon ballers.  don’t get me wrong, I love me some melon balls.  But have you ever tried to use one?
• My brain.

I think that last item on the list is my way of saying that it’s time to run towards sweet, sweet, freedom.  Enjoy your holiday weekend and do some good – Play Free Rice!

Check back next week for more on the WGWaFA feckless-free Hunger Action Month Event.

It is September 1st.  I woke up angrily aware of that fact this morning.  Summer is pretty much a wash, literally this year.  I never made it to the beach, didn’t lose the 15lbs I vow to drop each summer, because it is so nice out I will exercise every day! uh, huh…

Here’s one good thing about September. September is Hunger Action Month!

What is Hunger Action Month?

Hunger Action Month is Feeding America’s most important national initiative of the year—it’s a time when we work together with our 205 member food banks and countless concerned advocates like you to focus the nation’s priorities on ending hunger.  This September, our Hunger Action Month advocacy activities will be centered on child hunger.  With 1 in 6 American children at risk, we’ll concentrate on raising public awareness of child hunger and educating our elected officials about the importance of government funding for critical Child Nutrition Programs.

What can you do to get involved? Visit the Hunger Action Center’s Hunger Action Month Headquarters to join the Food Bank Competition, to take action, and to get updates on the campaign and contest.

Also check back to WGWaFA- as part of Hunger Action month I am planning a super secret, multi-blog event!!  So secret that I haven’t even let myself know exactly what I am planning yet…  Yes, I am that crafty.   But it will be fun and really what else do you have going on?  Do you have something going on?  You do?  Why haven’t you invited me??

More soon….