Today’s word: discomfiture = frustration
The tradition of Free Rice Friday is to have fun exploring the day’s word in a new and unusual way. However this very special Free Rice Friday is one of the harder things I’ve ever had to write. Going to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, an appointment that I put off because I was dreading getting weighed, I had quite a shock when I stepped on the scale. The nurse slid the big weight to the 100 block. I always get this giddy feeling when they do that, like it’s some sort of weird accomplishment on my part that they so far under-guessed my weight. Oh no honey, I think to myself, you’re gonna want to slide that bad boy over to 150. And she does. And slides the little weight up top over, and over, and over, and… (sweet God!) over.
Finally she tells me she’s going to just call it 200 lbs because of my clothes and sneakers. Great a pity weigh-in. Awesome. So there you go, no more hiding. I have officially gained back all the weight that I lost during BareAss 2008! Putting me at the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. I could scream about how it is unfair I gain weight so easily. How much SPIN I’ve been going to and couldn’t it be muscle then? That I don’t get what I’m doing wrong? But I also know the truth, it was a long hard winter. I got lazy. I like cheese. And I throw food on top of it all when life gets too hard.
This has all left me feeling extremely shameful and with a bad case of discomfiture. I’m embarrassed to be here again, and completely overwhelmed by the idea of starting all over. Then I thought to myself. What if I don’t? What can I do differently so that I don’t keep returning to this place of defeat and self-loathing?
Ironically, this is the happiest I’ve ever been with myself in my life. I know who I am, and I like her. So that is what I am embracing now. My whole life I’ve always had this “I’ll be happy when I’m X pounds” mentality. Like this would magically fix everything. Scripts will be sold, no more rejection. Princess-Bride-as-you-wish love will fall at my feet. Being thin somehow equates to complete frizz removal in my hair. I’ve always put off buying new clothes each season preferring to wait until I get down to a lower size in a couple weeks… in a couple months….
So instead of giving up and bingeing into numbed acceptance of my re-plumped self, I went out and bought some new desperately needed spring clothes. Ignoring the sizes and buying a couple of new outfits that make me feel good as I am now. Yes, I need to work on improving my health by shedding these excess pounds, and will have to work on this for life. But I don’t have to start all over. Wait until I’m a certain size or weight to be happy.
This week I took a step to get back on track simply by food journaling. And no, that doesn’t just mean examining my bar tab at the end of the evening with horror. I’m turning in my journal weekly to a good friend who is doing nothing more than reading it. Providing accountability for my choices. It has already caused a significant shift in my attitude and choices
Thank you to everyone who commented on last week’s Fat and Fabulous vs Health post. Every $1 donated provides 9 lbs of fresh food through Feeding America. Together we raised enough to provide 135 lbs of fresh food to families in need. Your insightful and inspired comments gave me the courage to write this entry. There were so many powerful ideas that really struck me and gave me a lot to think about, like:
- being overweight clearly has a negative effect on health, so losing weight is a great goal. But should obesity be the source of low self-esteem or the basis for personal criticism and mocking humor? Of course not. (gkimmerling)
- feeling shame about extra weight actually makes me more inclined to eat cake and less likely to exercise, despite my intellectual understanding of the viscous cycle that represents. (nikka)
- Ultimately if we all just started caring about who we are rather than what we look like, life would be easier. But yet I am still on a diet~ (stephanie)
Click Here to donate to my charity badge in support of these ideas and to help Feeding America reach their goal of getting 198,747 pounds of fresh food into the hands of families in need. Yes, I’m experiencing huge discomfiture over my continued battle with weight. And while I still have a lot left to figure out when it comes to health and body image, the “Full House lesson” learned on this very special Free Rice Friday is that I don’t have to wait until I do to be happy. (see what I did there?)
I totally photo-jacked this off my friend’s Facebook page. Thank you Damon, I so often need reasons like this one to remind me why I love living in NYC!