And now it’s time for yet another overheard conversation…

Right when White Girl With a Fat Ass started, there was an internet brew ha ha over some very unflattering rear-end photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini that created negative criticism about her “fat ass.”  Through this posterior bond (wait, does that sound dirty?) a fictitious friendship was born, and occasionally my Fat Ass likes to check in with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s (Not-Really-Fat) Fat Ass  to see how our FA’s are dealing with life and love.  And now it’s time for yet another overheard conversation….

WGWaFA’s FA:  I can’t believe it’s been over a year since our last chat.   Sorry to hear you had another break-up. That’s never easy.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Well, you know my theory is that ever since I missed the bouquet at my bestie’s wedding I’ve been super-totes love cursed.  How about you?  Have you ever caught the bouquet?

WGWaFA’s FA:  Actually, I did catch the bouquet at my best friend’s wedding.  However, my boyfriend at the time dumped me a few days later on the 3rd floor of his 5-story walk-up apartment.  Right before the Holidays.  Which is actually part of what made me start this site, but if that hadn’t happened our FA’s would have never met.  So, that’s kind of a silver lining to it all.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  I guess so. If you want to look at it that way.  Sure.   But, you’re right it’s so un-easy.  I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve been reading an article about me, happy with what they have written, focusing on all the right things, and then, like the clap, it appears…  SERIAL DATER.  You are so smart to have NOT dated anyone in like, what, years and years now?

WGWaFA’s FA: Yes.  Well, no. I mean, I’ve gone on lots of dates.  Only nothing ever got really serious.  But I did just go through a fake-up.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  What the vajazzle is a fake-up?

WGWaFA’s FA:  It’s what my friend Dressel calls the end of a non-existent relationship.  No one really knows about it so it’s like a fake break-up. 

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Wow.  That sounds so way better than having your love life splattered all over the star rags.  I’m telling you it’s super hard having the entire world care so, so much whenever I break with someone.  How much easier does this fake-up thingy sound?  No one ever even knew about it, so it’s like it never ever even happened.  That must rock.

WGWaFA’s FA:  I guess so.  If you want to look at it that way.  Sure.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Just remember what I say in my book The Day I Shot Cupid, subtitled, “Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt, And I’m A Love-aholic” by Jennifer Love Hewitt – one of the best things to do after a break-up, or in your case fake-up, is make out with a stranger.  Only make sure he’s gorgeous or you’ll feel worse!

WGWaFA’s FA: Thanks.  I’ll keep that in mind.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: You wrote something too recently right, a cartoon play?  how did that go?

WGWaFA’s FA: A play for the Brick’s Comic Book Theater Festival, yes. It was good.  Well, it was really hard, but I learned a lot in the process.  We got some not-so-hot reviews, which is never fun, but overall I think the good outweighed the suck by far.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  I hear you my E-sista.  Even though I was recently voted the worst film actress since 1985, primarily because of movies like Garfield and Sister Act 2, did I let that get me down? Nuh-uh.  I simply said to myself, J-Love, how much money did you rake in making those films?  And the answer is, BUCKETS.  Buckets of money. And that made me feel sooo much better.  How about you? Did you make buckets of money doing the play?

WGWaFA’s FA: Doing independent theater isn’t really about making buckets of money.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Is that a NO?

WGWaFA’s FA: The show did well, we were able to cover production costs. More importantly, due to the generosity of our audience members, we raised over $200 in donations to Feeding America to help the 1 in 6 Americans struggling with hunger every day.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Wow. Are you still raising money for your charity deal?  How much was it you wanted to raise originally?

WGWaFA’s FA:  The goal is $5231.  So far, this site has raised $4555 for Feeding America.  You can CLICK HERE to make a donation now directly through my Charity Badge and help me break through the $5000 mark!

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Thanks.  I’ll keep that in mind.

WGWaFA’s FA: J-Love? Can I confess something to you?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Anytime, my FA friend, anytime.

WGWaFA’s FA:  Sometimes I get really frustrated that I still haven’t reached my goal.  My goals…

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m going to tell you something now, it’s embarrassing and personal, but once I do I think you’ll know how much I’m getting you right now.  Once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring.

WGWaFA’s FA:  Wait, aren’t we about the same age?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  About.  I’m one year, and nine months, and two days younger than you.

WGWaFA’s FA:  Still, doesn’t that mean that you’ve made, like, about 225 trips to the jewelry store just to try on an engagement ring?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Yuppers!  Does that make you feel any better?

WGWaFA’s FA:  It does.  It sincerely does. 

Yet Another Overheard Conversation

Around the time that White Girl With a Fat Ass started, Jennifer Love Hewitt suffered the dire fate of some ‘bad angle’ photos of her in a bikini creating negative criticism about her ‘fat ass.’ Thus an unlikely and unreal digital friendship was born. On occasion, my Fat Ass likes to check in with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s (Not-Really-Fat) Fat Ass for some starlet skewed advice. Here is yet another overheard conversation.

WGWaFA’s FA: It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. I am sorry to hear about your break-up. Well, break-ups I guess.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Love can be a real kick in the pants. But you know that. Have you dated anyone since your breakup?

WGWaFA’s FA: I’ve had a handful of… adventures. But no one serious, not really.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Oh, you are so lucky. Breaking up is the worst. As you know when we first talked, I was engaged to the man of my dreams. Then I woke up! This year my New Year’s resolution was to marry Jamie Kennedy. But we all know how fruitless those resolutions are, and hey, at least we made it through the holidays. Cause nothing stinks worse than being alone at Christmas, right?

WGWaFA’s FA: That is true.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: The sweet silver lining of it all is, I wrote a book all about love and dating! And I’m sure it is going to sell like gangbusters because everyone knows me from TV, the big screen, and my music career. How is your blog thingie going? It must be really hard to get people’s attention since like, who even really knows you?

WGWaFA’s FA: It can be hard but it has also been really good. This year I started a new campaign 2010 Asses. I am working to find 10 people willing to communicate 10 goals and work together to raise $10,000 in 2010. Each person has a goal they are striving to achieve and by working to raise $1000 for their own charity they will communicate this goal to the world. Sort of to mirror what I did with Bare Ass 2008!

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: That’s right! You were trying to raise, how much was it?

WGWaFA’s FA: $5231 for Feeding America, the nation’s largest foodbank. So far I’ve raised $3232

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: So you never actually reached your goal? Maybe you should have done something really attention grabbing like offer to post a picture of your bare self if you raised that much. I mean my unfortunate bikini pictures caused such a sensation that people are still talking about it and I wasn’t even trying.

WGWaFA’s FA: Actually I did offer to post a ‘tasteful heiney shot’

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: And you still didn’t reach your goal? Well, I say success is in the trying. Even though I’ve always been successful so I don’t really know. But it sounds good. At least you didn’t have to post the picture.

WGWaFA’s FA: Oh, I did post the picture. I sat for a really talented photographer, FRANCINE, and it appeared on this blog last year on a password protected page. It was terrifying but liberating at the same time.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: You must have really lost a ton of weight and gotten totally buff to do something like that though. I know when I posed for the cover of US Weekly I worked hard with a trainer and lost 18lbs! Which is an incredible amount of weight for someone my size.

WGWaFA’s FA: Actually, I put back on some of the weight that I lost during Bare Ass 2008! And I’m still struggling to lose weight and continue to develop more consistent exercise habits. But taking the picture looking like, well me, was a really valuable experience. Now that everyone has seen what I’ve spent so much energy trying to hide all my life, it’s not such a big deal anymore. And I can focus my energies elsewhere.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Wow, you must be really brave. I can’t imagine doing something like that at your size. I mean I was only a size 2 when those invasive pictures of me were taken and the press had a field day! But then again I’ve been named the Sexiest Woman Alive and the Sexiest Woman on Television. You’re so blessed to be one random blog away from complete obscurity.

WGWaFA’s FA: I can always count on you for the silver lining.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Have you found your 2010 Asses?

WGWaFA’s FA: I’ve found TWO so far. Chris Richardson has raised $905 for Free Arts NYC! And Cailean O’Connor has raised $333 for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation!

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: That sounds peachy. Good work. How are you going to find the other 8 Asses?

WGWaFA’s FA: I don’t really know right now. I’m still trying to reach people and figure out how to motivate them. This weekend I took a class in Social Media that was really exciting. But all the tweeting, mashing, niches and my-facing is very overwhelming. I’m not quite sure what to do next…

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: I can only imagine. It must be so hard to motivate people, when you haven’t even achieved your own goals.

WGWaFA’s FA: But that’s the point. Being a 2010 Ass is about striving towards your goal. Putting your goal out into the world and by communicating it, making yourself accountable and allowing good things to happen. You aren’t going to get ‘in trouble’ if you don’t meet your goal amount. These are tough times and every dollar raised is valuable.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: I know! Maybe you should vajazzle your vajayjay with crystals and offer to post a picture of that! I only mentioned the term vajazzling in an interview and it became the most searched word on Google by the very next day.

WGWaFA’s FA: I’ll consult with our vajayjay but I don’t imagine she’d be up for that. But thanks for the tip.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Anytime. You know, I’ve unexpectedly enjoyed our chats. No matter how down in the dumps I get, I can always count on your life to remind me just how fabulous mine really is. Even on my worst days.

WGWaFA’s FA: I’m glad.

Before you make JLH’s (n-r-f) FA’s day by googling vajazzling, please CLICK HERE to support my goal (which YES, I am still trying to achieve) of raising $5231 for Feeding America to help the 1 in every 8 Americans who struggle with hunger.

And if you or anyone wants to be a 2010 Ass! please email me at wgwafa@gmail.com or comment below.

Another overheard conversation

The following is an overheard coversation between WGWaFA’s Fat Ass, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s not-really-fat Fat Ass, and Jennfier Love Hewitt’s Butt Double’s not-at-all-fat Fat Ass.

WGWaFA’s FA: I need some FA advice.  Well, some bare FA advice.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  You’ve come to the right FA, although I would hardly call a size 2 fat!

WGWaFA’s FA:  Okay, okay at this point you’re preaching to the choir. I started to like you now that you’re an FA, don’t ruin it by constantly throwing your size 2 around.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:   I know, it’s just when you’re a size 2 it’s so unfair to be labeled fat. When a size 2 is clearly not fat, and what’s the point of being a size 2 if one little picture that unfairly makes you look anything but the actual size 2…

WGWaFA’s FA:  Nevermind.  I knew we were too different for this to work.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  No, please, is it about posting your bare self on the Internets? changing your mind?

WGWaFA’s FA:   It’s not that, I just think I might have set my goal too low.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Ya think?

WGWaFA’s FA:   How much was made off your FA bikiki pictures?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:   Oh millions I’m sure, easy. But I’m a hugely successful film, tv, and music super star.  So I can see your dilemma. Being that you are well, you.

WGWaFA’s FA:  How much would you bare yourself for?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Oh I would never, I have a clause in my contract that says I don’t have to.  You should talk to my Double. Why here she is now!

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: Yo what up FA’s! Holler.

WGWaFA’s FA:   Hi there.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:   May I introduce to you my muscle tone challenged FA friend here, she’s wondering if she set her goal amount too low for putting her bare self on the Internets. What do you think?

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: How much?

WGWaFA’s FA:  $1523

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Really?  I spent that much on one centerpiece for my fabulous dream wedding! then again you don’t really make that much money so it seems like a lot to you right?

WGWaFA’s FA:  Right.

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: Ah, hell to the no. Girl you got to pump that number up.  Me I double for JLH, Jennifer Aniston, Sarah Michele Gellar.  But think about it, you, you only gots you, and that’s the only bare FA you’re ever gonna got goings on.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  I don’t always understand her.  But I think she’s right.

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: Listen Chick, you know I am.  Trust a professional.

WGWaFA’s FA:  I think you are right!  This is my chance to set myself on a path to save the world.  If I don’t stop undervaluing myself how is anyone ever going to take me seriously?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Well if you want to be taken seriously maybe you shouldn’t put your bare self on the Internets. But then again it’s not like you have a tv, film, and music career at stake, or a dream man. Oh, unless that has changed since we spoke last?

WGWaFA’s FA:  No, no it hasn’t.  I’m still alone. But actually I’m a lot happier.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Don’t be sad, your prince will come when you least expect it. Then you will be happy.

WGWaFA’s FA:  Yeah, but…like I said I’m sort of happy now.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Buck up camper.

JLH’s BD’s naafFA:  Don’t listen to her, next thing she’ll be telling you she’s a size 2. Holler!

JLH’s (n-r-f)FA:  Are you saying I’m fat? Well than as my double doesn’t that mean you are fat then too, so there!

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: Ah, ever think why you need a double?

JLH’s (n-r-f)FA: Because I have clause! And I kissed Scott Wolf. So double dare there!!

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: Double dare there? That doesn’t even make sense.

WGWaFA’s FA:  Girls, girls! Please, you’re both pretty.

JLH’s BD’s naafFA: Seriously, Chick, raise the amount.  Each of us are only the one bare bottom and once it’s gone it’s gones for good.  Set the example girl. For all the FA’s out there, both big and smalls. Forget the not-really-fat FA’s of this world and find your own way. Think of how big all us bottoms could be if pulled together. This is your dream, however bizarre and totally f’d up as it may seem to be. No offense.

WGWaFA’s FA:  None taken.

WGWaFA press is on the edge of their seats awaiting the new amount and promises to break the story first to you, our favorite FA’s big or smalls.

An overheard conversation

An overheard conversation between WGWaFA’s  Fat Ass and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s not-really-fat Fat Ass.  

WGWaFA’s FA:   It’s hard being a Fat Ass isn’t it?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Tell me about it, I let myself get up to a size 2 this year.  Went a little crazy and starting putting peanut butter on my rice cakes.  That and one unflattering bikini shot and you’re mislabeled a FA for life!  You don’t know how hard it has been.

WGWaFA’s FA:   I can only imagine… wait, you’re only a size 2?

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Yeah, why what size are you?

WGWaFA’s FA:   I don’t want to say.  But I’ve lost 8lbs.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Wow that sure is a lot of weight to lose! Especially when you are only a size 2.  Do you have much more to lose?

WGWaFA’s FA:   Unfortunately yes, probably around 40lbs.  It seems impossible right now.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Wow if I lost about 40lbs I would be dead! Chin up girl.  I’m sure your man loves you no matter what size you are.

WGWaFA’s FA:   I don’t have a man.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Oh that’s too bad.  I’m telling you I’m engaged to my dream man right now and it is keen.  I’ve been planning my wedding since I was a fetus and now that it’s real it’s even much better than I imagined.  But there are other things in life, like your career, that must make you proud.

WGWaFA’s FA:   Actually I was an alternate in the Public Theater’s Emerging Artists program.  It was really tough competition and I made it really far, but ultimately didn’t get in.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Wow.  That’s sort of amazing, and yet NOT amazing at the same time!

WGWaFA’s FA:   I know.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Being a star of television, with my own show even, film, and a successful recording artist, I totally can’t relate to you at all. And I got to kiss Scott Wolf.

WGWaFA’s FA:   Now that’s just rubbing salt in the wound.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Sorry.  But you should hear the awful things they have been saying about me on the internets and those gossip shows.  It makes me feel like a real Fat Ass and I don’t deserve that!

WGWaFA’s FA:   Hey.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Sorry, I mean not that there’s anything wrong with being a real Fat Ass. Well I mean really, really wrong…

WGWaFA’s FA:   Hey!

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  SORRY.  At least no one knows who you even are, so it doesn’t matter anyway.

WGWaFA’s FA:   That’s only mostly true.  A lot of people have read my blog, and I have raised $320 for America’s Second Harvest.  If I can raise $1523 by my birthday, I’m going to post a picture of myself in my birthday suit, if you will.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Really?  I have a contract that says I will not bare it all or do nude scenes.  But good for you, I’m sure people would much rather see you in the buff anyways.

WGWaFA’s FA:   I’m not sure.  Donations have slowed down.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  Maybe if you were a not-really-fat  Fat Ass, like me, people would pay to see you?

WGWaFA’s FA:   Well I have started working out more…

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA:  There you go!  I’ve enjoyed talking to you, I didn’t know real Fat Ass’s could be this nice.

WGWaFA’s FA:   Yeah I use to really hate your not-really-fat, Fat Ass, but now this whole scandel has made me see that not-really-fat, Fat Asses have feelings too.

JLH’s (n-r-f) FA: Then that is the silver lining for this all.  Hear that Paparazzi!  Kiss her Fat Ass!  Sorry, no offense.

WGWaFA’s FA:   None taken.

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