FRIENDS OF WHITEGIRLWITHAFATASS ENTER THE CODE “GAYMARRIED” AT CHECKOUT FOR $12 TICKETS!

I need an outing.

The upside as of late is that I have been going to the gym regularly again (sorry Miriams) and rewriting my Christmas screenplay.   The writing is good. But both things require less going out, and more time to myself.  So the downside is:

• I have watched more episodes of the new 90210, and the Bill Engvall show than I care to admit.  I need to get real cable.
• Continuing the tradition of shaking it to Katy Perry’s ‘hot n cold’ every time it comes on as my official dance break song while writing, I now have an entire routine guaranteed to get me instantly kicked off a variety of TV reality shows.
• Last Sunday, I emailed one of the naked single guys photographed in Time Out.  Because it seemed like a solid idea at the time.  I dare you to guess which one.

Thus time for a much needed WGWaFA outing!  Let’s all go to this:

Mel & El: Gay Married
Thursday, October 8th at 7:30
Comix 353 West 14th St.
Tickets here: www.melandel.com OR www.comixny.com

MEL & EL are about to make a pilgrimage to Washington, D.C. to march for LGBT equality. but first they gotta do a show! MEL & EL: GAY MARRIED is a musical Laverne & Shirley meets Sex & the City with a lower shoe budget and a higher ratio of in-your-crotch comedy. Hailed as “outrageous” by The New York Times and “hilariously squirm-inducing” by the Village Voice, real life best friends and award-winning NYC cult phenomenon MEL & EL have brought down the house at Ars Nova, Gotham Comedy Club, The Box, The Zipper, Birdland, The Stonewall Inn, Therapy, and The PIT. Their hit song “Fagnet” won the Backstage Bistro Award for Outstanding Musical Comedy Number and they were recipients of the Collaboration Award given by the NY Coalition of Professional Women in the Arts and Media. Join the girls at Comix as they ponder the fashion choices of their teens, the feasability of having George Michael as a neighbor, and the likelihood of getting gay married.

GO TO MEL& EL for videos, song clips and MORE

Best part is since it’s MY OUTING, we get a discount:

CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

So hurry, go get your discount tickets and comment below to tell me you are coming and I will make goody bags!   As some of you know, due to some sort of genetic programming handed down by my Mother, I am a big goody bag maker.  Top three goody bag outings so far are:

1. Star Wars Episode One Premier.  The Goody bags I made for standing in line were better than the movie!
2. The Lincoln Center IMAX opening.  I somehow scored 20 free tickets to the first IMAX movie at that theater.  We took up a whole row and it was hilarious to see all those 20-somethings rooting through their goody bags and swapping candy and toys.
3. The original A Very Merry Boston Market Christmas – which FYI maybe making a return this holiday season.  More on that later.

Aren’t you excited??!!  don’t you want to come out and have fun with me and MEL&EL on October 8th and get your very own Goody Bag?  And for every WGWaFA guest who buys a discounted $12 ticket, the $3 saved will be donated to FEEDING AMERICA.

So it is a win, win, win.  Outing, goody bag, charity.  Come on people.

And if you can’t come to the show, but feel really sorry for me, you can still make me feel loved by CLICKING HERE to donate to Feeding America through my Charity Badge.

Does this font make me look fat?

Disclaimer:  White Girl With a Fat Ass has been suffering from a deathly head cold and apologizes for the lack of posts this week.  She is also heavily medicated and cannot be held accountable for whatever she writes in this one.

There was a time in high school where I had, let us just say, a severe lack of friends.   I have one particular memory of a school field trip to Williamsburg, VA.  I was sitting on the bus by myself with a book.  Which was fairly normal.  As the bus rolled along its merry way I was descended upon by 3 guys.  Jason and Brian, twins, and Jason’s best friend Matt.  They did not leave my side the entire trip.  I was completely overwhelmed by the attention.  The were loud, funny, and one of them (I will never admit which one) I’d had a crush on for about a year.   Back then, I thought they were the coolest guys ever.   For some reason that I can’t recall, on the trip back they serenaded me with an impromptu performance of  ‘Fly Me to the Moon’

Recalling this years later was when I first realized that the Boys perhaps had their own coolness issues in high school.  But I always smile when I hear that song.

I soon figured out that the Boys were paying me so much attention because they wanted me to get them a job at the movie theater where I worked.   But I didn’t care.  I basked in their false glories because I was  secretly desperately lonely.  However, I also quickly saw how these sharp, charming fellows used girls’ crushes on them to get what they wanted, how they would sort of ‘adopt’ other geeks to elevate their coolness, and then often quickly move on.  I was determined not to be one of these wide-eyed girls or pet dork.   There is one distinct moment not too long after that field trip which I later pinpointed as the turning point in my personality.  The birth of the smartass GuyGirl.

One day I was sitting with one of the twins (again not saying who) in their car. We were waiting for his brother to get out of band practice.  Did I mention the  coolness issues?  In the middle of rambling about random teenage things all of a sudden he blurts out,

The first time I fingered a girl, I was shocked at how much hair there was down there.

And without missing a beat, these are the very words that came out of my virginal mouth.  A mouth that had yet to even kiss a guy,

Yeah, I know.  The first time I went down on a guy I didn’t know if I should brush my teeth after or not.

We both laughed.  Aha!  I could be funny.  I didn’t have to be pretty, or popular or even all that smart.  Oddly, the coolest girls in my high school were all three.  Especially smart, like AP Calculus smart.  While I was overweight, lonely, and struggling in my AP classes.  (Hello irony)   But I could dish it out.  Keep up with the Boys.  I soon learned how to hang.  I wasn’t really a tomboy because I wasn’t good at any sports or anything really.  I was the GuyGirl.  I slept over their house.  We would watch Cool Hand Luke, play poker, and chew on candy cigars.  Coolness issues.

And I pretended it didn’t bother me when they talked about girls.  About who looked hot, who had junk in the trunk, who let them do what, where, and how often.    I just kept up, whipped out crass zingers, found my place.  Meanwhile inside, I was often mortified.  If they could find all these faults with girls that I would kill to look like, what hope did I have?  But it didn’t matter, as long as I was the funny GuyGirl friend I was safe.   It was my niche and I carved the hell out of it. To this day, I am still more comfortable being the Dude.  But I’m working on that.  At first ‘working on that’ translated to ‘insert scotch until slutty.’  But now I’m actually working on it, for reals.

And thus one of my major strengths, my sense of humor, was born directly from coping with insecurity.  I think that’s the way it usually happens though, right?  And as the Boys grew up and became the Men, they have shown themselves to be wonderful husbands, fathers, and some of the truest friends I’ve ever had.  I meanwhile write a blog about my Fat Ass, but let’s not think too hard on that one.  But hey, I have raised over $3000 for Feeding America.  Speaking of which, if you have laughed at all by this point please CLICK HERE TO DONATE. This shit ain’t free.

Years later, I was surprised when one of the Boys shared with me his own body issues in high school.  The concept of men being insecure about their bodies was something I had never even considered.  Since I started WGWaFA, I have been touched by the number of men who have commented or written to me about their own body issues.   How joyous that we can all be completely f’d up together!

I thought this The Mind of Man column, GUYS HAVE INSECURITIES, JUST LIKE WOMEN! from The Frisky is a wonderfully snarky take on this topic.  Just think, how many less truly slaptastically funny people would there be if it wasn’t for insecurity?

Hunger and the Economy—the Far-reaching Effects of Child Hunger

Looking back on the summer of 09 in my later years, I will most likely remember it as being the summer of Michael Jackson, rain, and babies.

Having disappeared to FL to welcome my niece into the world, and then to TX for work – because what other reason would I go to Texas in July, next week I will be in CT with my best friend to meet her son.  Speaking to her on the phone, she mentioned how it was getting on her nerves that lately when people meet her son Benjamin Luke they keep asking,

Are you a Star Wars Fan?

Why?

Think about it?

She asked me.  I thought about it.  Moments went by.  Then I asked,

Why?

Obie Wan Kanobie and Luke Skywalker

Seriously?

I could have sat there for a million years and never would have put that together.  It’s not like she named her kid Han Luke! Maybe you are the Star Wars fan if that’s the first thing you think of when you hear Benjamin Luke.  And yes, I spelled Obie Wan phonetically so if it’s wrong forgive me.

I’m very excited to meet baby Ben next week.  All these babies, made reading this all the more sad to me.

A new report—Child Food Insecurity: The Economic Impact on Our Nation—focuses on the impact of food insecurity and hunger on child health, growth, and development, and also details the economic effect of child hunger in America. The results may surprise you.

The report’s author, John Cook, Ph.D., of the Boston Medical Center and Boston University School of Medicine, a nationally-recognized expert on child hunger, says that there are lifelong consequences of child food insecurity: “The impact of child hunger is more far reaching than one might anticipate. Child food insecurity creates billions of dollars in costs to our society. Child hunger affects a child’s health, education, and job readiness.”

The study explains the long term impact child hunger can have on the American economy:

• Child hunger first causes health problems. Hungry children are sick more often, and are more likely to suffer physical, emotional, and developmental impairment.
• Child hunger then leads to educational problems. Under-nutrition before the age of three changes the neurological architecture of the brain and central nervous system, harming a child’s ability to learn. Hungry children have lower academic achievement.
• Ultimately, child hunger leads to workforce and job readiness problems. Adults who experienced hunger as children are not well-prepared mentally, emotionally, physically, or socially to perform in a work environment.

I am very lucky to have all these new happy and healthy babies in my life.

CLICK HERE to donate to Feeding America in celebration of Benjamin Luke and my new neice, Rose and the kids in your life.

Hey, Hey sorry to be gone so long.  I was off helping my Sister have a baby! My niece Rose was born at 9:23 (yay 23!) pm on June 4th.  We checked into the hospital on Wednesday night and over 24 hours later there she was.  My Sister was in labor for 13 hours and ended up having a C section after all of that.  The whole experience was a wild ride.  And I haven’t slept in days. 

People have been asking for a baby update but I find myself completely unable to capture the experience.  I sense that if I attempted to fully describe the emotional rollercoaster that was the last few days, I would produce an epic post that would still fail to flesh out the misty details in all their perfectly frayed glory.  While it is all still fresh, I have to decided to blog down a few luminous thoughts that float at the front of my sleep deprived brain tonight. 

• They don’t let you sleep in hospitals. At All.
• Women swap birthing stories like treasured baseball cards that will never fade.
• My Sister is the most awesome woman on the planet.
• There is a distinct irony that epidurals are there to relieve pain but getting one hurts like a bitch.
• True fear lies in hearing that the baby’s heartbeat has plummeted.
• Glory is a baby girl’s first squall as she enters the world.
• C-sections are really gross.  I saw my Sister’s uterus!
• One of the best hours of my life was dancing around a hospital room at 4am with my Niece in my arms so my Sister could sleep.  She stops crying whenever Neil Diamond sings. I swear I’m telling the truth.

• Blood might be thicker than water but it’s still just that goo that pumps through your veins, it is friends and love and the people who truly stick by you who make your family.
• My niece is really, really, LOUD.  She goes super sonic. 
• Baby’s head and feet must be covered at all times or large mean Baby Nurses will yell at you.  
• Babies smell good even when they smell bad.
• Changing your first diaper in the middle of the night after being up for over 24 hours, while an infant baby screams like you are murdering her, and nurses come in to criticize what you are doing wrong, is a legitimate reason to cry.  Don’t worry, a day later it will be old hat.
• Poop is gross from Day One.
• If I call my Mother ‘Mee-Maw’ one more time, I think she might punch me in the face. 
• Being there to see my Niece’s first moment in this world was the greatest birthday gift ever. Even if it was 11 days late. 

Isn’t she the most beautiful baby??  Wait, I have to go she’s crying and my Sister is in the shower.