Healthy alternatives to candy:

And as my treat to you, check out Sassafrass Junction’s 7 Spooky Suggestions for a Successful Halloween!

Last Friday was a crap day for many reasons.  Last week, I learned a lot coming off of my detox and starting week one of my Transitions program.  Lots of life lessons to extol, but who really wants to scooter down life lesson alley on a Monday afternoon?  So let’s stick to one.  One lesson that I’ve learned over and over again but not only is knowing half the battle, knowing is only half the battle.  At this point it’s not even a lesson but a question, if I can’t use food to make me myself feel better after a crap day what do I do?  I’m not sure I have the perfect answer for this, but here is what I did.

 

After working myself into a perfect snit about what to eat or not eat? Should I stay in or go out? I found myself going into this Chinese body work place about one block from my building.  The sign outside said that they specialized in relief from: PAIN, STRESS, TENSION,  FATIGUE and INSOMNIA.  All of which I have presently.  Plus there was a $20 for 30 minutes special for foot reflexology.  I’ve never been a big mani/ pedi girl.  The only part I really like is the back massage chair and when they rub my feet.  I figured this was a full half hour of just the rubbing sans the stress of having to pick out a nail polish color that never looks remotely the same as it did in the bottle.

 

The best part about a foot massage is that you just take your shoes off and lie down.  There’s no ‘change quick before they come back’ stress, or ‘underwear on or off under the sheet’ stress, or even ‘does it totally gross this guy out that I haven’t shaved above the knee since Labor day’ stress.  And I wonder why I’m so stressed and tired all the time? 

 

The next half hour was bliss.  No story to tell.  Just this:  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

When I emerged from my small square room of bliss, sectioned off from the stressful world merely by 3 hanging sheets, my contacts had grown all gummy and I blinked like a disoriented baby in the light.  My feet were two puffy clouds, like the ones the Care Bares use to float around on, instead of the spring coiled, pin pricked, lumps of clay I had hobbled in on.  I was handed a tiny paper cup of water and told to sit.  Serenely sipping my cup, I was so blissed out that I had no clue the Chinese man was even talking to me until I heard what sounded like

 

Youplahn, Youplahn

 

What?

 

Youplahn

 

I’m sorry

 

I leaned in closer because whenever I can’t understand someone’s accent, I try to fake deafness as a way to apologize for my inability to comprehend them.   Then it hit me what he was saying.

 

You plan?  Did you say plan?

 

Yes!

 

He breaks into a really charismatic ear to ear smile and says,

 

Youplahn, all day, youplahn youplahn. In here (points to his head) think, think, think.  Right?

 

Yes, I do… plan.  (And I really do, I already have all my vacation time allotted for a year and the other night couldn’t sleep because I was wondering what I was going to do about my dark colored futon cover and fuzzy pillows when summer came and it’s hot in my new apartment)

 

You must stop.  Noplahn.  Slow down.  You go too fast, all the time too fast.  You drink too fast.

 

I drink too fast?

 

Yes. You drink water too fast. Slow down.

 

Wait, shut the front door, you can drink too fast?  You can drink water TOO FAST?!

 

Yes. You drink too fast, make you to pee all the time.  Bathroom all the time, drink slowly and give your body time to absorb water.  Slow down. Slow everything down. 

 

I would like to pause right now to say really, how much harder is this water thing going to get.  You have to drink it all the time and NOW apparently there are Chinese sanctioned speeds with which once can effectively consume H20.  Not to mention that at this point I was really wigged out by how much this guy new about me from my frakking feet.  I kept waiting for him to say something about my horrible eating habits…

 

You like sweet.

 

I just stared at him.  This time only pretending I didn’t understand what he was saying.

 

Sweet things, you like to eat the sweet things?

 

Yes, well I do, I mean I did. 

 

I decided against trying to describe to him that because I was training to be a Certified Transitions Lifestyle Coach I had just gone through a complete sugar detox and had now been eating Low-GI for two whole weeks, so that I can work towards my future goal of a healthier life that included leading groups of woman to improve their health while raising money for hunger relief. I sensed somehow this would get lost in translation. And the other 30 years of inhaling baked goods that apparently now have manifested themselves in my aching arches would sell me out.  So, humbled, I just nodded. 

 

Dude seriously you can tell all that from my FEET?

 

I happily paid my $20 and was given a tiny punch card similar to those you receive at Subway.  One punch down, 9 more body treatments and the next one is free.  Take that Jared!   All in all a good deal.  Chinese man ushered me out with his ear to ear smile and more warnings to slow down, noplahn.   The next day I took a SPIN class (you read right, oh that is a post and a half!) and went home and did… Nothing.  For the rest of the day.  I lay with happy feet and a worn out body.  I thought of tons of productive things I could have been doing or worrying about but then I reminded myself.

 

Chinese man say Noplahn…

 

A motto that may prove itself to be very handy.  Or my whole world might systematically crumble and swallow me into the abyss?  Tough call.

 

I have developed this bizarre tingling in my knee and I thought about going down to get another punch on my card.  But despite the fact that I’m now on a post-move budget, a part of me is worried that my knee will rat me out revealing that I have previously ingested tequila untill hurling, or that I *masturbate too much.  Or that I masturbate too fast?  That would be almost disturbing as the water. 

 

So to answer the question, what can you do instead of eating to make yourself feel better?  I have two answers,

1. Chinese man say Noplahn
2. CLICK HERE to donate to Bare Ass 2008!  10 donations and you get your own autographed tasteful heiney shot for free!

 

*If any of my family is reading this, I don’t actually masturbate I’m using what is called a heightened sense of humor to illuminate my point.  Thanks.

Mouse of A Mouse Bouche  sent me this email.  And it gave me a lot to talk about.  I throw around the word fat a lot, but in my own way it was to purge myself from this self-imposed load that has held me back both mentally and physically my whole life. 

I also strive to find a balance between health, feeling, acting and loving my body by treating it well.  So both my friends words and the Campaign to stop FAT TALK that she was illuminating really struck me.  Read her message, watch the video, and please pass it on to every woman you know. 

Hello all,
 
When I tour with my show about Eating Disorders, we talk a lot about changing our language with regards to our bodies, our looks, and our relationship with food. It’s a small thing that has a huge impact and can only be changed if we each decide to be conscious of it ourselves. I know I’m guilty of it, but I do try to limit this kind of negative talk because I have seen what it can do. And you never know who may be overhearing your offhand comment about feeling fat and what kind of an impact it will have on them. If they’re healthy they’ll most likely brush it off, but if they’re not (and there are a lot of unhealthy women out there who may or may not appear as such), a stray comment can have horrific consequences.
 
A friend sent this to me and I thought it was a great initiative….

Campaign to stop fat talk:
https://secure.pursuantgroup.net/pursuant4/deltadeltadelta/fall08/dddselect/flashstory.asp

love,

Mouse

 

I am going to make an effort to speak more positively about myself, and my body, this week. And to not make myself feel better by mentally cutting down the flaws of women around me – yeah I’m not proud but I’ll admit I do it.   

Also, since I started dating again I suddenly remember how much more satisfying it is to be negative about men. 

Joke people, seriously watch the video.

So my good friend Jeff and I went to this fabulous training last weekend to become Certified Transitions Lifestyle Coaches.  Transitions is a low-glycemic way of eating that does not believe in calorie restriction but instead normalizing your body’s blood sugar levels through healthy eating.  Since the fact that I was in danger of becoming insulin resistant (which can lead to diabetes) was one of the reasons I started White Girl With a Fat Ass, this is a program I was really excited to learn about. And since a goal without a plan is nothing but a wish, my plan is to lead entire White Girl With a Fat Ass Transitions groups that will raise money for hunger relief while getting into shape. 

We are working the program ourselves before leading our first group in Jan 2009 (Bare Asses 2009, what do you think??)  This has come at a really good time for me because after the weight loss show ended, and with the stress of my move, a lot of my good habits have gone out the window.  I had a lot of pre-diet binges but never started the diet.  I spiraled back into a lot of really vicious cycles, got sick, and without having to step on the scale on stage there is nothing to hold me accountable.

The thing I really loved about our Transitions training is that it is not a diet, but a… wait for it… Transition to a whole new way of eating and living.  And since this may be the biggest transitional year of my life this seems like the ideal time to not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. So on Tuesday, Jeff and I started a 7 day detox.  Some of you may remember my Danny Detox from this summer.   It is nothing crazy, just a lot of fruits and veggies, no caffeine, sugar or alcohol. I did it after my Ireland trip, and along with the fruits and veggies, I took the NutriClean 7-Day Cleaning System with amazing results.  I lost 6lbs in what I am sure was mostly Irish Coffee weight and by the end of the week was practically buzzing with energy. 

But that is the end of the week.  Today is day 4.  Today is the day I hate everyone, and would kick a puppy if it meant I could have a cookie.  I was fascinated to go back through this blog and find out that this happened last time too.  The wonderful thing about detoxing with a partner is that I discovered this morning that Jeff feels the same way.  We have everyone.  Day four must be some sort of detox hump day.  Here are 7 people that I *hate for utterly ridiculous reasons.

1. The guy this morning on the subway who was talking on his cell phone in my ear, because now I ride an elevated train, who was mystefied when we finally went underground and his service got cut off.
2. The woman who did not GO RIGHT when we almost ran into each other on the sidewalk forcing us into the dodge-dance thing.
3. My co-worker who keeps answering my questions with more questions.  I hope you read this because you totally know who you are.
4. Sarah Palin not for any ridiculous reason but because she is ridiculous.
5. That person who always steps on the backs of my shoes when I’m going up the stairs on the way to work.  I’ve irrationally decided it is the same person.
6. The janitor who somehow always knows when I have to pee really, really bad and decides then would be the perfect time to clean the ladies room.
7. Kids.  Pick them up, shut them up, or leave them at home.

*the catholic school girl in me must point out that while I am using the word hate – I am not damning anyone to hell here it’s just the toxins working their way out of my system

So that is day 4, but on the plus side my skin looks frakking awesome!  Please DONATE NOW to Bare Ass 2008! so that I don’t have to hate you too.

If you have any questions about the detox or want anymore info on the food we’re eating or the NutriClean kit feel free to email me at wgwafa@gmail.com   Now I will share with you a video that represents Day #4 for Jeff, please be warned it contains the F word.  And for once I don’t mean Frak.